I have struggled with how to write this. How do I say this without sounding bitter, or desperate or angry. But it has been on my mind non-stop, and I'm feeling just fragile enough to write this and just brave enough to say it.
So, here is my story, at this point in our fertility journey....
What can I say? It's seeing your life on hold, while you watch everyone's flying by. It's wanting something so precious, but increasingly elusive. It's wanting to hold a baby in your arms. Not someone else's baby, but your baby.
It's wanting to be pregnant. To be sick. To have swollen ankles. To stay up all night, rocking a screaming newborn.
And trying, at first casually, then slightly worried, frantically, desperately, and devastatingly, numbingly.
It's trying everything, absolutely everything. It's being on prenatals, just in case. It's thinking about what you will be doing next year for Christmas, you know, when you have a baby. And then next year. And then the year after that.
It's planning how you will announce the news. For Easter we will put the good news in an Easter Egg, around Mother's Day we will give a rattle as a gift, for Halloween we will dress up as a Bun in the Oven.
It was maybe silly, but you spent hours thinking about it. And hours thinking about names. Writing them down. Trying different spellings. Realizing that it may never happen.
It's mourning the life you dreamed. It's trying to adjust to the might nots. It's protecting your increasingly delicate heart. It's sobbing every month, because you were a little late, you thought maybe this time. Month, after month, after month. It's months of trying, days of hoping. Putting on a fake smile day after day....so forceful to the point my mouth hurts.
It's being poked and prodded, and giving up blood, and urine. Tests that hurt, tests that are embarrassing, tests that are scary.
It's bolstering your heart, preparing for the worst, and hoping, in the tiniest place in your heart, for the best. Because if you don't, and a babe in arms isn't waiting, you know you could lose yourself.
It's being desperate to give all your love to a child. Children. It's imagining picnics, soccer games, vacations.
It's wanting to comb curly hair, or maybe straight, and wash freckly skin, or maybe clear. And sing songs about boogie monsters, and smell fresh washed hair, falling asleep with a warm body next too you.
It's being afraid to say things out loud, because you might make them true.
It's uncertainty. Deafening uncertainty. Overwhelming fear, that you put into a box. And try not to look in to.
It's rejoicing in other mothers, other babies, other lives. But still not wanting to hear about the ease of others conceptions.
It's constant guilt. Guilt for those years you waited. Guilt that you went to school first. Guilt that you were 30 when you decided now was the time. Oh, how naive you were, that you thought you could control this. That you had your life planned out. You're guilty for your age, for the time you have waited between menstrual cycles. If only last December wouldn't have happened, you would have had a baby now. Your eggs would have been one year younger. One year more awesome. It's the fact that you even talk about eggs. That's weird.
It's staying quiet when told, "Adopt, then you will get pregnant. Think positive, then you will get pregnant. Try acupuncture, then you will get pregnant. Be grateful for the children's lives you touch everyday"
It's being positive for others, because they want you to be happy, but you really just want to say,"I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken."
It's being diagnosed with anti phospholipid syndrome, which basically means your body hates you to the point it produces cells to attack you internally, which leads to "we really can't say what will work and what wont." So it adds up to a high stakes guessing game.
It's pill after pill, maybe shot after shot. It's bruises, in various places, your heart being one of them. It's money that you don't have, but don't regret spending, but still don't have.
It's recognizing that nobody really understands that your dreams, although not quite dead, are at breaking stage. It's a limbo between joy and sadness, happiness and pain.
It's realizing that the treatments you are now doing, are the end of the line for pregnancy. And here you are older than when you first started this, when you thought you would be done, but really you are just beginning. It's dreading the start of a new month, a new start of marking the passing days, temperature checks every morning, ovulation tests, and yes....that agonizing 2 week period of waiting & hoping Aunt Flo doesn't come this month.
It's knowing that you can put everything you have left, into this last ditch effort, all your money, all your emotions, all your walls, and recognize that you can give it everything, but that doesn't guarantee anything. Only 40%.
It's putting your faith in God. Completely. You have no other choice. You have been completely
humbled. But you recognize your way isn't God's way. And Faith is a hard road sometimes.
Be gentle. Infertility is a lonely valley, traveled by two people, clinging to each other with all their might.