God is in Control

Well, we all know I’m a planner…I like to be in control and I want to know just when and how things are going to happen.  This helped me immensely with college and at work and ALL areas of my life.  Although, my husband & I knew we would need fertility help, I still had a plan.  It was simple...go to the OB/GYN get my period started, use Clomid to make me ovulate, then BOOM we would have a baby.  Now, that we are actually in the mist of our treatment plan, I realize my "plan" isn't exactly going the way I anticipated, and there were many "footnotes" I never thought about adding into the plan:  emotions going crazy, thought processing not exactly "connecting" from one side of my brain to the other, low energy level, or... my hair falling out.  God must be so amused by our immaturity and presumptuousness at times.

After I made an appointment and began the roller-coaster ride of infertility, we began the charts of temperatures and timing (at least I can control those).  We have been married almost 3 months & 2 negative result after our honeymoon I must admit, has led to a sense of desperation and determination.  After countless tests pointing to possible additional fertility issues, (only to find out the test were incorrect),   I started realizing, “Hey, I’m not really in control of this situation here.”

I know we all say when we meet Mr. Right that we are going to have our white picket fence, 2.5 kids and live happily ever after.  But what if God might actually have other plans for our family make-up?  What if maybe... we might end up with a chain-linked fence....no children?  Could we still live happily ever after?  As time goes on, I must come to the decision that: yes, if it is God’s will for us, we can be happy as long as we are fully submitted to HIS will.  Does and Will it still hurt each time someone new at church or work announces about their growing family?  Sure! OF COURSE IT DOES/WILL!! But, we must try to trust the Lord – realizing HE is the giver of life.  My prayer is that God will give us the grace to wait for HIS timing and plan (Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.  Psalm 37:4 & 5)

At this point in time, we have survived the 10 days of prometrium, although there were days, we wanted to give up.  We are currently awaiting a menstrual cycle to occur so that we can begin the Clomid.  But we enter into the next phase of this journey with confidence that the Lord will guide us and keep us. 

I do not know why we have been chosen to go through this experience; I only know that we will learn so very much about ourselves and the Lord through it.  Philippians 3:10 speaks of the blessing of fellowshipping with the suffering of Christ (That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings).  I know that infertility is so painful at times that it feels like physical suffering.... especially in my heart.  Yet, it is my desire that we will see the closeness that will be created with our Heavenly Father through this and the dependence on Him through our helplessness. 

I feel that I can say with confidence that God special-orders events in each of our lives.  He creates what is best for us and our situation.  We must trust in the multiplicity of His plans, knowing that He has thoughts or plans for us which are more than we can imagine (For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11) and blessings that are more than can be numbered (Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward:  they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee:  if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.  Psalms 40:5).

JUST KEEP SWIMMING

JUST....KEEP....SWIMMING!  I use that line a great deal of the time when I find I need to call in courage or fortitude in several areas of my life.   Now, thinking just how knee deep time we are in the trying to conceive, I find needed some quick way of staying connected to that courageous part of myself.  I have always been one to use mantras and affirmations to push me through the fear and uncertainties of life.

But wasn’t until I saw the movie Neemo, that I incorporated “Just keep swimming” as one of my favorites. The other gift that Ellen Degeneres’ Dory gave me was that gift of childlike wonder and joy. Looking back now the joyfulness of life seems to be run over and smashed to a pancake during our current TTC (trying to conceive) phase.  The numerous Dr. appointments, procedures, lab tests, pills, temperature taking, calendar recording, and not to mention the financial burden are... at times too heavy a load for even my broad shoulders to carry.  

Currently, we have gotten our "GREEN LIGHT" to proceed with our fertility journey.  My post-op check yesterday was a real "eye opener" as the Dr. went over what our journey would truly entail fro this moment on.  We will begin Prometrium at even higher doses that we have experienced in previous times. This will hopefully induce a menstrual cycle allowing us to start Clomid on day 5.  Clomid is the fertility drug used to initiate ovulation since my body lacks the ability to do it on its own.  If all works accordingly to plan, then around 2 weeks after Clomid, the utilization of ovulation kits will ensue. In addition, we have daily temperature checks and a calendar to record this entire process.  Around four weeks after ovulation, there are several outcomes that could occur:  I have a period (that may occur with or without ovulation), I don't have a period but am NOT pregnant, or we GET pregnant.  Depending on the results, our next course of action will then be determined.  We were given th option to do an interuterine insemination up-front if we so choose, which we are still praying.  I do appreciate the type of Dr. we have to go through this process with us.  He allows us to be the captain of our own ship and presents us with many options.  He openly recognizes the physical, emotional, and financial burdens placed upon us.  He goal is to help is achieve our dream of becoming parents and not become concentrated so much on the medical aspect of things. 

 So Let the Fun begin!!!! Not really.  We have heard all the "horror" stories about the side effects of Clomid.  We would be lying if we said we were not somewhat concerned.  This is when true faith and courage come in.  2 Chronicles 15:7 states. "But as for you, be strong and courageous, for your work will be rewarded " (New Living Translation).  We remain firm that God will bless us with not just one child but many at HIS appointed time.  For we are not the captains of this ship, but it is HE that directs our path.  

So for this posting I would like to ask you to do some homework.

It’s simple, you just need to be open and aware and ask yourself a questions:

How do you stay connected to your courage or fortitude?

Dr. Robert Kiltz of CNY Fertility and Healing Arts Center is frequently heard saying, “we’re just going to keep at it” a sentiment that is echo through “Just keep swimming.”

For us we would say, “We're just going to keep praying until something happens” And making sure we put the “correct something” out into the universe. By this I mean making sure that we hold onto the positive thoughts of being a parents and release the fear of “this cycle not working.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Patience and fortitude conquer all things.” The trick is to create a system of connecting or calling in these gifts. If you don’t have a practice of doing so you could begin by taking a moment in the morning, driving in the car or before your start your day by simply saying, “Patience and fortitude or courage please be with us today as we create our family.”

Remembering our words are more powerful than we know and just keep swimming!

Dancing Upon Barren Land ~ Statement of Faith:

    We went to Good Samaritan Hospital bright and early yesterday morning.  I was so thankful to have an awesome team of nurses working on my case.  Although we hit a few "speed bumps" throughout the day,  the Dr. reported all good things.  Unlike previous thoughts, it was confirmed during surgery that my uterus is a perfectly shaped to carry a baby AND my right fallopian tube was not blocked afterall :)  We will go back for a post-op check up next friday and begin our fertility meds once we get the green light at our appointment.  Once again, PRAISE THE LORD, for blessing us yet again.  The past few months have been such a roller coaster of emotions.  We have been told my uterus was mishapen...so we prayed....We were told my right fallopian tube was blocked...so we prayed.  Some of you might say "so what" but those of you who believe in our Heavenly Father know it was HE who fixed it all.  

     Once I heard the final report after surgery, I began thanking GOD for his grace and mercy HE keeps giving us.  Too often, we are skeptical if true miracles really do exist.  Yet, our journey has been nothing but miracles that our own eyes have seen.  It came to my mind that we have started this journey all wrong.  We are so focused on TRYING to conceive that we forgot one important thing: We need to STOP TRYING & STARTING INVITING.  The Bible distinctly states to "call things that are not as though they were" (Romans 4:17).  For HE is the Lord who gave a child to Abraham, we thank you, & we praise you. Seeing the tears of Hanna, HE gave her a child. Elizabeth who was barren in her old age, HE blessed her with a child.  The Almighty Lord is all powerful and merciful. There is no limit to what he can do. If we WOULD JUST pray wholeheartedly with faith, HE will bless us.  So, we decided to stop trying and started inviting a child into our lives however the LORD determines fit.  We must wait patiently for God to work his divine plan in our lives. And MOST importantly, we have to accept God’s Holy will and surrender our lives to God. 

     Our prayer now is as follows:  "Father, in Jesus' name, we thank You for our unborn child. We will treasure this child as a gift from You.  For we know, Our child will be created in Your image, perfectly healthy and complete. You have known our child since conception and know the path he/she will take with his/her life.  We ask Your blessing upon him/her and stand and believe in his/her salvation through Jesus Christ.

     When You created man and woman, You called them blessed and crowned them with glory and honor. It is in You, Father, that our child will live and move, and have his/her being. He/she is Your offspring and will come to worship and praise You.

Heavenly Father, We thank and praise You for the great things You have done and are continuing to do. We are in awe at the miracle of life You're going to place inside of me. Thank You! Amen. 

                                    "Prayers That Avail Much" by Word Ministries, Inc.

     

In the Beginning....

     After much prayer, we have decided to start a blog about our fertility journey.  We would like to acknowledge our dear friends who were brave enough to share their own fertility journey through a blog, thus giving us the courage to be open about our own.   Let us start off by saying first and foremost, we stand on faith that God will bless us with a child whether naturally or through adoption.  The purpose of this blog is to allow those near and dear to us to become a close part of our journey.  It is our prayer that it will serve as a testimony and blessing to all those who read and follow it.  This is why we have chosen to share this journey of faith.  

     For those who know me closely, you know I am not one to openly share disappointments when it comes to matter of the heart.  I've always considered myself a strong, independent woman who pulls it together in the end despite the circumstances.  Yet, having the label of "infertility" seems to cut me deep and leave me at a loss for words.  My husband and I knew from the beginning that I have a condition called Polyistic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), yet we were not fully prepared for what was to follow.  As we prepared ourselves for a difficulty journey of conception, we've encountered more stumbling blocks along that way that were never anticipated.  Over the course of the past two months,  we have endured many doctor visits, lab draws, and imaging.  Initially, we were told that in addition to PCOS, I had a heart-shaped uterus and the idea of me carrying a child was not promising.  Yet, after more testing and continual prayer it was revealed that the shape of my uterus was not misshapen but my right fallopian tube is blocked resulting in the need for surgical correction to enhance our chances of conception.  This will occur this Wednesday May 23rd.  Thus, our journey begins.

     As I was seeking the Lord's guidance to direct our fertility path, God reminded me that the good news is that although we have faced some delays in having a child, God has not denied us children.  Maybe you have gone through the same route as us, and done all you know to do, without result I still want to encourage not to give up. God will still come through for you.

     If you were to read carefully through Luke One you will see that 

Elizabeth experienced infertility and had to wait many years to have a child. Her experience is also reflective of the attitude people put on when delay appears to become a denial. Delays are frustrating and can easily make you look away from God.

     But, the blessing which was promised this couple by way of John the Baptist was unique in the sense that Elizabeth's pregnancy was rightly timed by God.  

It could not have been earlier; neither could it have been later because the child whom she bore was to be the forerunner of the Lord Jesus Christ. If he had been born at the time they desired, he would have been too old for the ministry he was called for and if he had come later, he would have been too young.

     If you experience delay in conception or any area of your life you need to understand also that some circumstances are for specific reasons and you will experience joy on the appointed day. God is meticulous about vision and that includes yours. You must know that your vision and its fulfillment are for an appointed time.  People are quick to forget that the scriptures cannot be broken, delays are never denials. God has never failed before to rescue those who look up to him.

     It is our hope that this will encourage you today to know that even though you may have experienced some delay in childbearing God still has good plans in mind for you. 

     God has promised that he will never leave you or forsake you even in the darkest hour of your life. He says to you, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2.