Thursday, June 14, 2012

God is in Control

Well, we all know I’m a planner…I like to be in control and I want to know just when and how things are going to happen.  This helped me immensely with college and at work and ALL areas of my life.  Although, my husband & I knew we would need fertility help, I still had a plan.  It was simple...go to the OB/GYN get my period started, use Clomid to make me ovulate, then BOOM we would have a baby.  Now, that we are actually in the mist of our treatment plan, I realize my "plan" isn't exactly going the way I anticipated, and there were many "footnotes" I never thought about adding into the plan:  emotions going crazy, thought processing not exactly "connecting" from one side of my brain to the other, low energy level, or... my hair falling out.  God must be so amused by our immaturity and presumptuousness at times.
After I made an appointment and began the roller-coaster ride of infertility, we began the charts of temperatures and timing (at least I can control those).  We have been married almost 3 months & 2 negative result after our honeymoon I must admit, has led to a sense of desperation and determination.  After countless tests pointing to possible additional fertility issues, (only to find out the test were incorrect),   I started realizing, “Hey, I’m not really in control of this situation here.”
I know we all say when we meet Mr. Right that we are going to have our white picket fence, 2.5 kids and live happily ever after.  But what if God might actually have other plans for our family make-up?  What if maybe... we might end up with a chain-linked children?  Could we still live happily ever after?  As time goes on, I must come to the decision that: yes, if it is God’s will for us, we can be happy as long as we are fully submitted to HIS will.  Does and Will it still hurt each time someone new at church or work announces about their growing family?  Sure! OF COURSE IT DOES/WILL!! But, we must try to trust the Lord – realizing HE is the giver of life.  My prayer is that God will give us the grace to wait for HIS timing and plan (Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.  Psalm 37:4 & 5)
At this point in time, we have survived the 10 days of prometrium, although there were days, we wanted to give up.  We are currently awaiting a menstrual cycle to occur so that we can begin the Clomid.  But we enter into the next phase of this journey with confidence that the Lord will guide us and keep us. 

I do not know why we have been chosen to go through this experience; I only know that we will learn so very much about ourselves and the Lord through it.  Philippians 3:10 speaks of the blessing of fellowshipping with the suffering of Christ (That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings).  I know that infertility is so painful at times that it feels like physical suffering.... especially in my heart.  Yet, it is my desire that we will see the closeness that will be created with our Heavenly Father through this and the dependence on Him through our helplessness. 
I feel that I can say with confidence that God special-orders events in each of our lives.  He creates what is best for us and our situation.  We must trust in the multiplicity of His plans, knowing that He has thoughts or plans for us which are more than we can imagine (For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11) and blessings that are more than can be numbered (Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward:  they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee:  if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.  Psalms 40:5).

Saturday, June 2, 2012


JUST....KEEP....SWIMMING!  I use that line a great deal of the time when I find I need to call in courage or fortitude in several areas of my life.   Now, thinking just how knee deep time we are in the trying to conceive, I find needed some quick way of staying connected to that courageous part of myself.  I have always been one to use mantras and affirmations to push me through the fear and uncertainties of life.
But wasn’t until I saw the movie Neemo, that I incorporated “Just keep swimming” as one of my favorites. The other gift that Ellen Degeneres’ Dory gave me was that gift of childlike wonder and joy. Looking back now the joyfulness of life seems to be run over and smashed to a pancake during our current TTC (trying to conceive) phase.  The numerous Dr. appointments, procedures, lab tests, pills, temperature taking, calendar recording, and not to mention the financial burden are... at times too heavy a load for even my broad shoulders to carry.  
Currently, we have gotten our "GREEN LIGHT" to proceed with our fertility journey.  My post-op check yesterday was a real "eye opener" as the Dr. went over what our journey would truly entail fro this moment on.  We will begin Prometrium at even higher doses that we have experienced in previous times. This will hopefully induce a menstrual cycle allowing us to start Clomid on day 5.  Clomid is the fertility drug used to initiate ovulation since my body lacks the ability to do it on its own.  If all works accordingly to plan, then around 2 weeks after Clomid, the utilization of ovulation kits will ensue. In addition, we have daily temperature checks and a calendar to record this entire process.  Around four weeks after ovulation, there are several outcomes that could occur:  I have a period (that may occur with or without ovulation), I don't have a period but am NOT pregnant, or we GET pregnant.  Depending on the results, our next course of action will then be determined.  We were given th option to do an interuterine insemination up-front if we so choose, which we are still praying.  I do appreciate the type of Dr. we have to go through this process with us.  He allows us to be the captain of our own ship and presents us with many options.  He openly recognizes the physical, emotional, and financial burdens placed upon us.  He goal is to help is achieve our dream of becoming parents and not become concentrated so much on the medical aspect of things. 
 So Let the Fun begin!!!! Not really.  We have heard all the "horror" stories about the side effects of Clomid.  We would be lying if we said we were not somewhat concerned.  This is when true faith and courage come in.  2 Chronicles 15:7 states. "But as for you, be strong and courageous, for your work will be rewarded " (New Living Translation).  We remain firm that God will bless us with not just one child but many at HIS appointed time.  For we are not the captains of this ship, but it is HE that directs our path.  
So for this posting I would like to ask you to do some homework.
It’s simple, you just need to be open and aware and ask yourself a questions:

How do you stay connected to your courage or fortitude?
Dr. Robert Kiltz of CNY Fertility and Healing Arts Center is frequently heard saying, “we’re just going to keep at it” a sentiment that is echo through “Just keep swimming.”
For us we would say, “We're just going to keep praying until something happens” And making sure we put the “correct something” out into the universe. By this I mean making sure that we hold onto the positive thoughts of being a parents and release the fear of “this cycle not working.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Patience and fortitude conquer all things.” The trick is to create a system of connecting or calling in these gifts. If you don’t have a practice of doing so you could begin by taking a moment in the morning, driving in the car or before your start your day by simply saying, “Patience and fortitude or courage please be with us today as we create our family.”
Remembering our words are more powerful than we know and just keep swimming!