Thursday, June 14, 2012

God is in Control

Well, we all know I’m a planner…I like to be in control and I want to know just when and how things are going to happen.  This helped me immensely with college and at work and ALL areas of my life.  Although, my husband & I knew we would need fertility help, I still had a plan.  It was simple...go to the OB/GYN get my period started, use Clomid to make me ovulate, then BOOM we would have a baby.  Now, that we are actually in the mist of our treatment plan, I realize my "plan" isn't exactly going the way I anticipated, and there were many "footnotes" I never thought about adding into the plan:  emotions going crazy, thought processing not exactly "connecting" from one side of my brain to the other, low energy level, or... my hair falling out.  God must be so amused by our immaturity and presumptuousness at times.
After I made an appointment and began the roller-coaster ride of infertility, we began the charts of temperatures and timing (at least I can control those).  We have been married almost 3 months & 2 negative result after our honeymoon I must admit, has led to a sense of desperation and determination.  After countless tests pointing to possible additional fertility issues, (only to find out the test were incorrect),   I started realizing, “Hey, I’m not really in control of this situation here.”
I know we all say when we meet Mr. Right that we are going to have our white picket fence, 2.5 kids and live happily ever after.  But what if God might actually have other plans for our family make-up?  What if maybe... we might end up with a chain-linked children?  Could we still live happily ever after?  As time goes on, I must come to the decision that: yes, if it is God’s will for us, we can be happy as long as we are fully submitted to HIS will.  Does and Will it still hurt each time someone new at church or work announces about their growing family?  Sure! OF COURSE IT DOES/WILL!! But, we must try to trust the Lord – realizing HE is the giver of life.  My prayer is that God will give us the grace to wait for HIS timing and plan (Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.  Psalm 37:4 & 5)
At this point in time, we have survived the 10 days of prometrium, although there were days, we wanted to give up.  We are currently awaiting a menstrual cycle to occur so that we can begin the Clomid.  But we enter into the next phase of this journey with confidence that the Lord will guide us and keep us. 

I do not know why we have been chosen to go through this experience; I only know that we will learn so very much about ourselves and the Lord through it.  Philippians 3:10 speaks of the blessing of fellowshipping with the suffering of Christ (That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings).  I know that infertility is so painful at times that it feels like physical suffering.... especially in my heart.  Yet, it is my desire that we will see the closeness that will be created with our Heavenly Father through this and the dependence on Him through our helplessness. 
I feel that I can say with confidence that God special-orders events in each of our lives.  He creates what is best for us and our situation.  We must trust in the multiplicity of His plans, knowing that He has thoughts or plans for us which are more than we can imagine (For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11) and blessings that are more than can be numbered (Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward:  they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee:  if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.  Psalms 40:5).

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