I don't like traffic. Nothing feels more like a waste of time than just sitting gridlocked, especially when you have somewhere to be. What's worse is traffic that is log jammed on a suspension bridge because there are no detours. You can't really turn to the right or the left because water is no shortcut!
Infertility is a lot like living on a bridge, suspended between two worlds. The land side is a season of having children and experiencing the joy of being parents. The other side is a season of being married without kids.
My husband and I are on that bridge right now. I find that sometimes I have to escape mentality; I want to get off of the bridge. Not jumping off mind you, but driving off!
My husband does fine living on the bridge- most of the time. Me? I'm still working on it.
Do not get me wrong. It is fine to be in that in-between season for a while. You can work more, save more, and remodel your house. In short, you can do things that people with children cannot easily do.
Yet, on the flip side, there is this undercurrent of pressure that regularly surfaces. There is this sense of urgency to move along and get into the next season. There is even an uneasy feeling of competitiveness in knowing that, if something doesn't happen soon, we will be the last ones joining the "Parent's Club". It's a ridiculous feeling, I know, but sometimes even ridiculous feelings are real.
The past 30 days have seemed like 30 years at times. We suffered what seemed like some pretty unbearable side effects from the 10 days of Prometrium. However, the end result having having a period was well worth it. We were fortunate enough not to experience any adverse side effects from the Clomid. It was the days following, while awaiting for a positive ovulation test, that we began to learn that we are truly on God's time. Day after day, morning after morning, we got a negative ovulation result. On day 17, I wanted to give up. I was positive that the medications had not worked; however, something inside me told me to take one more test. Finally, it was positive!!! It's amazing how the small blessings can seem as big as a mountain. The following day we went to the Doctor and he did the IUI (interuterine insemination). It was somewhat uncomfortable but having my husband at my side lovingly holding my hand may all the more bearable. In 2 weeks we will take a pregnancy test. And now, the waiting game begins........ again.
Yes, sometimes it gets lonely out here on the bridge, and sometimes it gets crowded with others who are there for similar reasons-but they don't tend to stay for long. And when you are there for a while, it feels like there is no one else on the bridge with you. And yet, I know that living on the bridge is a transient experience. I can never truly feel completely settled here. This is a place of thoroughfare, not a destination. You never really feel at home in an airport, do you? Airports are not a place where you put down roots---and neither is bridge. They are for passing through on your way to somewhere else.
While living on the bridge, this is what I do to stay strong: I go to the basics of my faith. I have to learn (sometimes daily) to trust HIM...to rest in HIS in faithfulness and retain my stand in faith. It can be a tightrope walk. To stay expecting, yet be at peace, is never easy. This posture of expect rest is like a warrior sitting down while wearing his sword. His weapon is at the ready should he need it, but he is not always actively engaging the enemy. Sometimes he needs to be at ease.
I have learned that it is time to shift our focus back to the Author and the Finisher of our faith---to let HIM lead us through this journey.
For now, my husband and I are both still living on the bridge.
But we are on a journey of faith-----together.