Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Empty arms carrying a heavy burden

So after my surgery in May, I was prescribed clomid to regulate and ensure ovulation, and told I would have to be monitored by the doctor each month.  June 1st we began a fertility cycle at full force.  As discussed in previous blogs, we were able to have a successful period after prometrium and started Clomid. 

When it was confirmed that I ovulated on Day 17, we excitedly called the Dr. to see if we could come in to do the IUI.   Our hopes got even higher when we were able to correlate our work schedules and went in to the Dr's  office to have the IUIs (intrauterine insemination) performed the following day. This is a fertility treatment where the man's sperm is placed past the woman's cervix, where it doesn't have to travel very far, at just the right time.  Often, I jokingly  describe it as the turkey baster method. So all that has to happen is fertilization and implantation.  Seems easy enough right???

After 30 days of Dr visits, medications, temperature checks, daily ovulation checks, & procedures, the time had come for us to test for pregnancy. I took a deep and went in to the restroom praying, "Lord, I know your timing is perfect, and I'm ok with not being pregnant right now, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, give me the strength to see the test say I'm not. I know you provided a baby for Abraham and Sarah and I know you will for us…IN YOUR TIMING, and again I'm ok with that now….just please give me the strength not to burst in to tears when I here another, no."  We waited for 5 LONG minutes....NEGATIVE!!!  I instantly burst into tears.  I felt as if I had lost something yet I never had anything to loose.
After prometrium & clomid & a IUI round....still no pregnancy.  We called the doctor the next morning with the results from our home pregnancy.  He instructed us to wait 2 more weeks to see if my body would "jumpstart" a period without medication.  If not, retest for pregnancy at the end of the 2 week waiting period.  Call him with either result.  Again, we became hopeful....maybe my HCG levels are just too low and not registering for pregnancy yet.  We can handle that!  Sadly, the next morning I began cramping and later that day I started my period.  I had to fight hard not to let the tears the fall from my eyes.  It was confirmed...we were definately NOT pregnant.  Time to make that dreaded call to the Dr. & set up another appointment to start another round of fertility :(    

At this point we are getting frustrated, and we're feeling the financial and emotional strain of the treatments.  Although, we are taking baby steps toward BABY STEPS since my body had started it's own period for the first time in 7 months, it feels like we are walking in place and getting  nohwere....fast.   Day after day, my empty arms are carrying a heavy burden.
I am constantly aware of the fact that our baby isn’t here with us yet.  Month after month, treatment after treatment, we came home with empty arms and the burden of those empty arms is a heavy one. 
Nobody can feel the load we carry any more than they can see the wind blow.  But the pain we feel and the emptiness that is left in our hearts after a failed fertility cycle is real and we are always aware of it.  We are also aware that we are not the people we once were, even though it may seem so from the outside.
To everybody else, it seems that our lives goes on.  That is the hardest part for us.  Our arms are empty, but our hands are busy.  Very busy.  There are still the regular, daily needs that have to be attended to.  Since our hands are busy it appears that life is continuing on as normal.  But it’s not.  We have an "invisible" disability called infertility......Struggling in silence. 

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