Thursday, May 16, 2013

Feeling infertility

When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. Psalm 94:19

Today...I felt infertility.
Today, I felt infertility. I mean I REALLY felt it. It has been following me the past few weeks. Babies everywhere, ultrasound pics being uploaded to facebook, baby pictures being pinned on pinterest, adoptions, due dates getting close for pregnant friends, baby showers, baby bump pics, pregnancy announcements, and the final we wouldve been 3.5 weeks from our due date.  Deep down, the core of me is soo happy and over the moon for my friends and acquaintances who are in "baby land", but the right now, THIS week, THIS day, I'm...well, I'm sad...I'm infertile.  We experienced so much to conceive & our son was stillborn...yet STILL born.

Some of you who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know what I mean when I say I felt infertility today. Some days are better than others. I deal with it. Ignore it. Pretend it's not happening to me & didn't happen to us.  Today, I couldn't. Today I just want to cry. Which makes it worse. I wish I had a little one to snuggle with. I wish I had someone to look up at me and say.."it will be alright mommy!" Today, I just felt life passing me by.  Today I felt hopeless. Today I felt like I don't have a story. Today...I felt infertility.

I just want God to do something major in my life. I want a miracle. When will it be my turn? I have soo many things to be thankful for in my life, however I can only focus on that ONE thing I don't have...a child.  I find myself often thinking 

On my way home tonight I prayed, I prayed God would do something big, something REALLY big in my life. Maybe bring someone looking to give their baby up for adoption to me or maybe even conceive naturally...pretty BIG stuff, I know! This I KNOW is true... God loves me, He has this...He gets me. I have FAITH God will do something big. I don't think He knows how to do it any other way!

As I was ending my prayer tonight during my car ride home this song came on. "When no one else knows by building 429".  I couldn't help but smile, I knew it was a "God thing"! It was confirmation he knows! He knows when... no one else knows!


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