As I write this, I’ve been married for 1 years and 9 months.
To this day We have not living children of our own
In medical terms, this condition called infertility.
Or … As The world says I am B A R R E N.
I understand why Sarah laughed when she heard God’s news through His angels who told Abraham that she would conceive. In Luke, we are told that Elizabeth would also become pregnant. The Angel of the Lord also came to Elizabeth’s husband Zakaria, and said that his wife who already was well into menopause and in her old age would bear a son and they shall name him John.
No bitter words came out from their mouths. But I’m sure as a woman, who understands the nature of womanhood, they had an up and down feeling because of the label as infertile women. Sara and Elizabeth certainly had the temptation to ask: “How is it possible?” Today in my language, I'm saying and thing, "Mission Impossible"
For the past 2 years my husband and I have been looking forward to the arrival of a child, the fruitfullness of our love. Today, I catch myself watching one of my own memories as if it were a movie. The memory was so clear, I could feel it, touch it and smell it. It was a memory of a time shortly before everything went wrong: the morning of December 28th, 2012 as I so loving rubbed my belly, talking to our unborn child....telling our baby I couldn't wait to hear his/her heartbeat once again. I was going on 18 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy. My husband and I were both glowing with excitement. My husband was on board with starting a family from the time we married but it wasn’t until I was actually pregnant that we both realized how much it really meant to us.
It is hard for me to “watch” this memory. This is the part of our lives that we now have to file under “before”. It seems so long ago. I feel like we were different people. I have since lost that baby....our son. I have avoided family, friends, & co-workers who have had babies since. I have watched the world move on as my world seems to stand still. I have been living in pain. My life has revolved around fertility treatments. Adoption has evolved from a way to grow our family to quite possibly the only way we’ll be able to grow our family. Our sex life has been scheduled to the minute and full of the fear of a miss-timed broken pregnancies. I miss my life. I wish I could go to the pool and dip my toes in the water and not worry about anything but a sunburn.
But the mercy of the Most High God has shaped our lives in ways that I never thought and imagined. Because of the mercy, once again … only with compassion and mercy of the Lord, every day feels like Advent for me. The word Advent comes from the Latin Advenīre (ad-to + venīre to come) which means the coming or arrival, especially for someone that we look forward to.
The reality today … not event 1 child present in my womb.
To be Infertile or barren means unfruitful / unproductive means: lacking in liveliness or interest. Hhhhmmmm … by definition, that’s my condition today. No wonder so many women are distressed by this situation. No wonder Sara released permit to her husband to have a descent which is very important in their tradition. Although Not told in detail what passed with Elizabeth’s struggles, her position as a wife of a prominent priest, definitely gave her its own pressures: To be Judged not to be able to bear fruit or unproductive as a woman, make us feel that our existence as a women seems to be teared and make us (or for me at least) think that we are “unuseful” as a wife.
While I have missed the presence of children, just like many other barren/infertile women, today it is not such a painful yearning as before, but actually freeing to know that my calling as a woman is not only determined by the body’s ability to conceive and bear a child.
I believe with a full heart, if today I do not have children who were born from my womb YET, I feel that I’ve had a lot of children. Yes, for me I feel that the calling of motherhood is not just defined by the biological mother.
I feel alive and fruitful when I am in the middle of the community that God has given to me to be a place to share my life. I’m so blessed to be in the midst of the people who continue to support me to pull out the best of me. I feel so passionate and productive when I was there in the classroom, in the laboratory, in my study, or when I sit on my work desk or simply when I meet people struggling just the same. My heart beats so loud… wanting to give me a sign that's sooo vivid and alive of the joy and hope that I can pass on to humanity through medical science that I've learned.
I feel so perfect every time God’s love touches me through the presence of my husband, my parents, my sisters, and nieces, also so many friends who love me. For these blessings can I complain for more?
Through whatever happens in my life today, there is no other word that I can say other than: THANKS BE TO GOD!
Infertility makes everyday an Advent for me.
This situation shows me from time to time that the power of God is greater than our weakness. This “mission impossible” (ie: make me become pregnant) is teaching me to be a woman of faith in God and work my faith without any back up plan..... Yes, NO back up plan!